Because what good are tools if they can’t be thrown to make cool sounds *throws stud finder, disappointing breaking sound* these are a couple videos of Zach “The Speed Square King”
(I would have gone with Zach “The Speed Square King” King) throwing his carpenter’s speed square, which sounds like Thor’s hammer Mjölnir while flying. That’s pretty crazy. Even crazier? That Zach repeatedly catches that humming death triangle coming back at him after bouncing it off trees and tires. If that were me I’d be in the ER right now with a speed square in my skull, and all the veterinarians whispering if wearing a collar is sufficient to be treated as a pet. I’ll be half-consciously hoping so, because I ain’t got that people doctor money.

Because who doesn’t want to hear me constantly yelling “DO A KICKFLIP!”, this is SK8MOD, a $99 controller designed specifically for playing skateboard video games (list of compatible games HERE). You just download the app to your phone, then mount your phone in the middle of the board and you can control your skater’s direction, tilt, and spin, as well as initiate flip tricks by swiping the touchscreen. I’m into it, but probably only for a couple runs. Because (and I told the guy who tried to sell me a VR treadmill the same thing): I’m a lazy gamer. I like to lie on the sofa with a bag of chips on my chest when I game. I’m not trying to run around IRL, and I’m not trying to sit up. Sitting up is what I do when I’m working, so it resurfaces all sorts of unsavory memories.

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A post shared by SK8MOD (@sk8mod_)

Because Flock cameras are all the Big Brother rage these days, the folks at Youtube channel Donut (misnomer, no jelly-filled to be seen) went and wrapped a Toyota Yaris with an “adversarial noise” pattern in an attempt to make the vehicle undetectable by the AI-powered surveillance cameras (previously: doing the same thing with shirts). And it seems to have worked. Sure your car looks like vomit now, but at least the cops won’t be able to track you with cameras. By sight, easily. Or you could dig tunnels everywhere and get around underground like the mole people. “Mole people don’t exist.” Clearly the tunnels are working.

This is a video of a DART drone landing on top of a pickup traveling at speeds up to 110km/h (68.3 MPH). I know, the title said 70MPH, but I was rounding up. Plus if I’d been driving the truck that drone would have had to land at like 90MPH. I drive like a bat out of Hell High School on the last day of class. I’m kidding, my girlfriend will tell you I drive like an old lady, and she’s not lying, I have a heliumfoot and really don’t like doing anything over 35MPH. If I can’t open the door and likely survive rolling out I get anxious. Go slow and roll out — that’s my motto. Back me up, Transformers. “He’s not with us.” That’s the last time I ever let you sleep in my garage. “It’s a carport.” I don’t even feel bad about draining your wiper fluid and pouring sugar in your gas tank now.

Presumably as a distraction while all its arachnid friends break into the home seen in the background (Remember: we’re here for all the shoes!), this is a video of a spider weaving a web right in front of a Ring home security cam. I watched the whole thing, but the spider never did spell out ‘SOME PIG’ like Charlotte. I’d been holding out hope, you know? Sure it certainly seems like she died at the end of the movie, but I’ve seen spiders fake their own deaths before. And can you blame them? People are always trying to smack them with a rolled up magazine. If I were a spider I would 100% fake my own death, then cut off a couple legs and start chirping to live the rest of my life as a cricket. “Yeah, but–” *crickets*

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Designed by digital artist Simon Weckert, Digital Camouflage is a shirt collection (designed as an art project, not a security product, but are available for $75 – $100) with patterns that confuse AI-powered human detection and tracking systems, helping the wearer go unnoticed. Art project or not, call the crew, the heist is back on.

“At first glance it reads as clothing with an abstract, almost hypnotic pattern. …It combines two strategies – distraction and confidence suppression: The pattern draws the algorithm’s attention while simultaneously lowering its confidence score for the person wearing it.”

Funny, whenever I pick out clothes they also seem to draw attention while lowering my confidence score. My girlfriend gave me a 3 when I was leaving for work, and I had to delete the Instagram post I made about feeling cute before she saw it. Two coworkers asked if I’d come to work straight from partying last night, and another asked if we were hosting a kid’s birthday at the office because who invited the clown.